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De destructieve relatie

Posted on June 7, 2017 at 4:35 PM

De destructieve relatie.

Bij My Hope staat de begeleiding en het herstel van de destructieve relatie centraal.

Maar wat is een destructieve relatie?

Als je gaat zoeken zul je zien dat er vele benaming hiervoor zijn gegeven.

De destructieve relatie naar mijn perceptie:

De destructieve relatie zie ik als een relatie die is gefundeerd op dezelfde structuur van het disfunctionele gezin waarin een persoon of personen zijn opgegroeid.

In de destructieve relatie gelden dezelfde disfunctionele regels als die van het disfunctionele gezin waarin men is opgegroeid.

Om een beeld te krijgen welke regels er in de destructieve relatie gelden, moet ik je verwijzen naar de kenmerken genoemd door Jolande Rommens-Musquetier van Minerva Counseling. In haar blog geeft ze een prachtige opsomming van de kenmerken van het disfunctionele gezin. Zie haar link: https://www.minervacounseling.nl/index.php/contact/wie-ben-ik." target="_blank">http://https://www.minervacounseling.nl/index.php/contact/wie-ben-ik.

Hieronder een opsomming van haar kenmerken met uitleg:

1. Controle. Je moet als kind telkens verantwoording afleggen over je gevoelens, gedrag en relaties aan je ouder(s). Ze willen continu weten wat je doet, met wie en waar je uithangt. Je wordt voortdurend gecontroleerd in je doen en laten en er is geen vertrouwen in jou.


2. Gelijk hebben. Je ouders willen continu gelijk hebben. Jij hebt daarmee altijd ongelijk. Ze vertellen je voortdurend dat je dingen fout doet en zitten vaak op je te vitten. Er is de hele tijd strijd en discussie thuis en je hebt gevoel dat je nooit iets goed kan doen.


3. Ontkenning. Je gevoelens, gedachten, wensen, behoeften en ideeën worden continu ontkend of genegeerd. Er is weinig aandacht voor wat jou bezig houdt en als je een probleem hebt moet je niet bij je ouders zijn want die hebben daar weinig tot geen belangstelling voor of interesse in.


4. Eerlijkheid. Het is niet de bedoeling dat je eerlijk voor je eigen mening uit komt of voor jezelf op komt. Je wordt geacht je mond te houden en niet tegen te sputteren of kritiek te leveren. Hoe voorzichtig jij het ook brengt of hoe diplomatiek je ook bent, het is niet de bedoeling dat jij je eigen mening naar voren brengt als deze niet overeenkomt met die van je ouder(s).


5. Wegredeneren. Als je iets naar vindt of je voelt je rot dan wordt het weggeredeneerd als in: "bekijk het van de zonnige kant of je hebt het hier erg goed, er is helemaal geen probleem." Voortdurend worden gevoelens gerationaliseerd als deze een negatieve lading hebben. Het mag er niet zijn en ze worden ontkend.


6. Onvergeeflijk zijn. Er wordt je niets vergeven, alles wat je ooit fout gedaan hebt wordt telkens weer opgerakeld en herhaald. Men blijft boos op je zonder je te vergeven of dingen op te lossen. Er worden voortdurend oude koeien uit de sloot gehaald als er weer iets gebeurd is.


7. De schuld geven. Je krijgt telkens overal de schuld van. Dat je niet goed genoeg bent, alles verkeerd doet, niet leuk genoeg of je had eigenlijk helemaal beter niet geboren kunnen worden. Als iets niet goed is gegaan dan ligt dat aan jou. Kritiek is er dagelijks en er is zelden of nooit een compliment of goedkeuring.


8. Wantrouwen. Je krijgt de boodschap mee dat je niemand kan vertrouwen en er maar beter op kan rekenen dat je er altijd alleen voor zal staan. Dat niemand te vertrouwen is en de wereld een harde wereld is waar je altijd op je hoede moet zijn.


Mijn inziens herleven de personen die uit een disfunctioneel gezin komen steeds dezelfde structuur en de rol die ze is toegediend binnen het disfunctionele gezin waarin ze zijn opgegroeid.


Kortom: Het “black shape” kind wordt later de codependent en blijft in alle andere relaties deze rol spelen.


Het “golden child” kind blijft in alle andere relaties deze rol spelen. Het kan dat de “golden child” kind de narcist wordt ik durf dat niet met zekerheid te zeggen.


De structuur van het disfunctionele gezin wordt niet alleen in alle andere toekomstige relaties herhaald maar ook in omstandigheden.


Kortom: Het “black shape” kind wordt later de codependent die blijft ook die rol spelen op de werkvloer. De leidinggevende neemt dan de rol over van de narcistische ouder. De overige collega’s nemen de rol over van de overige leden van het disfunctionele gezin .

Zie ook mijn blog: De narcistische werkplek. Zie de link: http://www.myhope.nl/apps/blog/


Het Christelijk geloof geeft een verklaring voor de structuur van de disfunctionaliteit. Witchcraft is de basis van de disfunctionaliteit. En in deze omgeving opereert de jezebel macht.


Persoonlijk geloof ik dat een kind geboren in disfunctionaliteit (zowel codependent als narcist) zich helemaal los moet maken van de macht van jezebel. Dan alleen kan de band van disfunctionaliteit en ook de cyclus van herhaling van destructieve relaties helemaal worden doorbroken.

In een andere blog worden de macht van jezebel en witchcraft nader besproken.


Suzanne Julen-My Hope 2017. All rights reserved.

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